”I Like Black People!” - rapport från en afrikansk byfest.

Dårkoloniens Afrikakorrespondent Giteye ”Bobby” Odihambo III rapporterar från sin hemby någonstans i Östafrika. (For English readers!)

”Greetings to Sweden!”

First I would like to thank my friend and esteemed colleague Jens Ganman for the opportunity to contribute to his amazing blog ”Dårkolonien”. He is my ”brother from another mother” and we always have great fun when we hang out but let this be known! I do not always agree with his views. As he gets older he seems to become more and more conservative and sometimes I think he will end up voting for SD (The Social Democrats). Also: he is a terrible cook and his music is very confusing to me. Who are The Scorpions and why?!

Oh, well.

I know that some people think he is a bit of a racist but he has slept with one of my sisters (Sikudhani) and – lamentably – also with my Dear Mother Big Gwgladys Kenyatta, although she won’t admit to it and I cannot seem to prove it. But then again: who am I to judge? I have three wives and when I lived in Sweden I mounted several white Mothers. So.

Anyway, when Jens asked me to write a report about the annual summer feast in my home village of Ngomongo I said: ”Sure! Why not!” It is a great tradition and evidently some of his readers are very open minded and interested in foreign traditions. Besides: this year was extra great! The food! The music! The women! The Human Sacrifice! Rarely have I eaten so much Wali wa Nazi (fried coconut rice) and Nyama Choma (roasted goat meat) in one sitting. And yes – goat! No joke! Not a racist jab at perceived backwards African culture! Remember: in Sweden people eat rotten fish (”surstråmming”) – and in my home village we eat goat. And grubs, my God, the fried grubs… mmm…

By the way: I have tasted ”surstråmming” while I lived off the dole in Stockholm back in the early naughties and it was atrocious. Ghastly. Most Swedish food is horrible. It is a Godforsaken culture overall with very few redeeming features, Wild Strawberries and the colourized back-catalogue of mr Leif Hagen Imports being two of them (Interracial Ass Masters, Lean High School Boys too highlight a few.)

Swedish culture.

But anyway: the annual summer feast in Ngomongo was great, let me assure you. No white people either, which is interesting. I mean, I know some people find ethnically and culturally homogenous gatherings morally problematic but seriously: there ARE no white people in my country! I’m sorry! At least not that many and I have yet to see one in my home village. And still we exist! Still we thrive!

Traditional African dance. Do not laugh!

In any case I like being among black people. Oh, I know… when I say that you hear: ”I ONLY like being among blacks!” And: ”I HATE white people!” But I’m sorry, Massa: that is entirely in your own head. I like white people too. Especially white women. I like it when they give me free money. When I lived in Stockholm I was taken very well care of. My white handlers were always very worried that I wouldn’t feel at home so the lavished gifts and attention upon me. Once they brought me to a soiree in a big house out at Värmdö and I pretended to know how to dance like the guys in the picture above (I don’t). The white ladies present became so happy! Flustered almost! The shrieked and clapped their hands, shouted: ”BRAVO! GITEYE! BRAVO!”

And then they pulled up their long skirts and tried to dance like Africans they too and I froze in horror. Seriously, it was very embarrassing for all involved. But I played along and eventually I got a scholarship at Södertörns Folkhögskola where I taught traditional African dance for three years. Hey presto! I was awarded a Medal of Honor at some point and the funny thing is I made everything up as I went along.

Imagine that.

Anyway, back to the summer feast. We had some really great bands this year: Buba & the Bubettes, The Goats, The Black Stripes, The Killers… of White People and many more. Everybody was so happy! Everybody was black! Nothing wrong with that, ey? Sure we could have invited some white people from somewhere, I don’t know where exactly but… Sweden, let’s say…. I have friends in Sweden. I could have called them and said: ”Hey, Bertil! Hey Kerstin! Big party in Ngomongo this Friday! Get your silly bums down here on the next plane available!”

An excellent cover of Europe’s ”The Final Countdown”!

But why? Really? I mean, it would probably have been very awkward (what with the dancing and all) And besides, they have their own big summer party: The Lollapalooza. I’v been there, you know. Very stiff. Very clichéd. Lots of open minded white people who love to dance and sing ecstatically to black artists and then go home to their all-white neighbourhoods to relax and kick back with their white friends and family, far away from the crime-ridden, festering suburbs.

Rarely does one see, in Stockholm, the kind of families they have in every television commercial these days. You know the ones: black guy, white wife, Asian kids and maybe a dog in drag. Honestly? Do you know any families like that? I sure don’t. We don’t have them here in Ngomongo, I can tell you that much. Here we have: black dad, black wife, black wife, black wife, eight to ten black kids and maybe a straight pet goat. No homos. Not even among the animals. Yes, yes… I know. Homos are okay. I learned that while living in Sweden but alas some of my countrymen are not as liberal. We have a black pastor in the village and every Saturday he stands on a barrel in the town square and shouts to the yawning villagers:

”THE DO IT IN THE POO-POO! THEY ARE AN AFFRONT TO GOD!”

Who, you ask?

Who is doing ”it” in the ”poo-poo”?! Well some of us heterosexuals of course but also, I’m sad to say, the homos. But that is another topic for another time.

Anyway, it was great writing for Jens’s blog. I know he has many readers, most of them white. Some liberals too I suspect, who read him on the sly and secretly agree with some of the things he says. Even when they seem a bit outlandish. They would never admit it, though. Outwardly they watch Trevor Noah and claim to think he is funny. And sometimes he is. But most of the times not. Gutfeld is though. Mean but funny. And killing it in the ratings from what I hear.

I leave you, Dear Readers, with this beautiful song by my big idol Little Steven, the driving force behind the legendary Sun City-protest movement back in the 1980:s. It is called I am A Patriot and we always end our summer feasts in Ngomongo by singing it (while smoking obscene amounts of ganja). The whole village together! Like the frogs and toads in the animated Paul McCartney-video… Anyway: it brings a tear to my jaundiced eyes everytime I hear it…

Take care and God Bless, Yours truly, Giteye ”Bobby” Odihambo III

”I am a patriot and I love my country
Because my country is all I know
I want to be with my family
people who understand me
I've got nowhere else to go…”

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